How to Respond to Weight Loss
This is something that I've struggled with and sometimes still struggle with. I know a lot of people that don't necessarily know how to react when someone talks about weight loss. It can be a little awkward. Like you want to congratulate them but also don't want them to feel like you thought they needed to lose weight. Right?
When someone loses weight or their body changes and they’re happy about it, we naturally congratulate them with, “you look so great!” “that’s awesome!” All 100% in good intention of course. I mean she's talked about how hard she’s been working, how much she has grown and made positive changes for her health and you want to be supportive, lift up your community, & love on your people- totally normal! I’m here to offer a less natural perspective though. After working in an eating disorder (ED) treatment center, I feel like there’s a perspective that I should share & clarify. I wouldn’t consider this common knowledge- the average person wouldn’t consider this unless there’s been a personal experience with an ED or disordered eating. So, regardless of how you’ve responded to someone’s weight loss before or feel about weight loss in general, I just encourage you consider what the other side may be experiencing.
99% of the time anyone is going to be happy about losing weight or changing their body to fit more of the status quo. I’d say the general exceptions to this are having a serious illness or trying to gain weight. The thing is only the person that lost the weight, and maybe a few insiders, truly knows how and why the weight loss or change happened. Now, don’t hear me wrong. There are two sides. The key is how & why. It’s all about intention & thoughts and how those impact behavior.
You want to be supportive, lift up your community, & love on your people- totally normal!
It is 100% possible to have weight loss by making behavior changes that were positive (aka health promoting). There are a lot of behaviors that promote health including increasing dietary variety, eating enough & eating well, adding in a healthy amount of physical activity, challenging yourself to reach fitness goal, getting enough sleep, cooking at home, taking a multivitamin, spending less time in front of the TV, drinking less. It is possible that positive habits are adopted, health is overall improved and the body settles at a lower weight or a different shape. It is also possible, although less common, to do so without the added unhealthy thoughts, food obsessions, etc.
BUT weight loss can also be achieved by making negative changes (aka may seem good on the surface but are actually harmful at the root) like restriction, over exercise, detoxing, juice cleansing, obsessive and rigid food patterns, and a whole lot more. Harmful behaviors to encourage weight loss fuels a slew of side effects like obsessive food thoughts, guilt, shame, preoccupation with diet and exercise, increased dissatisfaction with the body, fear of eating out at particular restaurants, anxiety around foods, food rules, foregoing social activities because they impact a fitness or diet plan, numbers obsession, and equating weight loss or a particular body type with self worth. Often, food and body thoughts overwhelm other areas of life and no achieved goal is good enough. Although the degree to which this occurs can very, intimately this person lives in comparison and dissatisfaction with their body at the center of it all. It’s very exhausting and very real so it’s important to think about.
It’s a slippery slope to begin to tie weight and body size into the ability to have basic social needs met
When someone makes a lifestyle change (positive or negative), their body changes, & someone comments on the changes/weight loss with praise, the change/weight loss is equated with the feeling they experience. It may be improved self worth, happiness, being seen, being valued, being noticed, being loved, being accepted. This is especially true if this person never felt good enough, recognized, seen, beautiful or received the same compliments before weight loss. This may signal that they weren’t worthy of these things before, in a larger body. We all want these things naturally and it’s a slippery slope to begin to tie weight and body size into the ability to have basic social needs met because the body changes throughout life and there’s always going to be someone or something “better.” The connection between being a certain body type & self worth/love may become stronger if the person gains weight and no longer gets recognition or praise. It can be a rabbit hole of decreased confidence and self worth & increased harmful behaviors and thoughts. The intention then becomes something along the lines of “if my body is ____ then I can have/deserve ____.”
So yeah, there are 2 sides. Honestly, you can be incredibly close to someone - I’m talking live under the same roof, share the same bed kinda close- and not know if someone is using negative behaviors. Even the most serious ED behaviors can stay hidden for a long time. It’s not your responsibility to know everyone’s deepest thoughts, story, or filter everything you say. It’s okay to want to support your people in their successes, to encourage and uplift and love. But, there are absolutely ways to support someone without commenting on their weight loss or
body shape. Just because you really never know. So here are some things that you might respond with when someone is sharing their “weight loss success:”
Ask, “how do you feel?”
Comment on their mood
Ask about how their overall health, wellbeing, mental health etc has improved
Ask how their relationships have improved
Comment on positive attributes that are not body size/shape focused, “you’ve had a lot of great ideas! It really seems like you’ve had a lot of focus and creativity flowing!”
Ask them how they’re supporting their health
Comment on a nice outfit or accessory
Encourage them in their health - "I'm glad you are feeling energized & have been enjoying nature more!"
Ask them how their family has been supportive or involved
Ask how they are actually enjoying this experience
Ask what has been hard
Ask how they have managed balancing new habits & their schedule or responsibilities
Ask how new habits have changed the day-to-day or priorities
Ask what recipes or movements they’ve been enjoying
Ask what they’ve been loving or what has been enjoyable recently
Make it clear that they are beautiful, appreciated, and loved before & after!
It’s not your responsibility to know everyone’s deepest thoughts, story, or filter everything you say. It’s okay to want to support your people in their successes, to encourage and uplift and love.