Putting Myself First isn’t “Selfish,” is it?

Of the things that have been projected onto me as a woman, putting others first and being selfless have to be at the top of the list. I do think it can be healthy to prioritize other peoples’ needs, care for others, be generous in giving, and see the world outside of yourself. AKA - it is healthy and necessary to recognize the world does not revolve around you (or me!). At the same time, that does not mean minimizing your needs . Also, let’s emphasize doing this as a person not as a woman - there’s a little too much focus on being a “selfless woman” and we all need a healthy balance of understanding the world doesn’t revolve around us + caring for ourselves.

As a culture, we tend to see taking care of ourselves as the opposite of taking care of others. If we care for ourselves, we are taking time, money, etc. away from other people who need it “more.” That doesn’t really make sense, though. How can we take care of someone else well and without jealousy or resentment if we aren’t able to meet our own basic needs? Some of us want to go out and do these big wonderful things with eagerness and joy in our hearts, but can’t seem to feed our bodies, hydrate our brains, or get a full-night’s sleep. Can you really show up to “save the world” if you’re living on a handful of nuts, Celsius, and 3 hours of sleep? You can pretend yes, but we both know the answer is no.


Bottom line - it’s not healthy, and maybe it’s not even really self-less, to put yourself last. If you aren’t caring for yourself, you’re probably doing a half-way job when you do show up. If you are caring for yourself, you’re probably going to show up more fully, joyfully, energetically, and motivated - because you probably feel better about life, your time, and your mission. So really, couldn’t it be viewed “selfish” to not care for yourself because you’re knowingly showing up less equipped to get the job done than you would be if you were strategic about your time and made room for yourself? **Yeah, a little….maybe.**

I can personally testify, when I don’t make time for myself during the day - I show up the worst to my friendships, marriage, work, everything and it’s because I don’t like feeling like everything else is more important than me. It makes me exhausted, moody, and resentful - not a good look. This has been a big learning experience for me as well and I’d like to say I’m still learning! I think it’s going to take a while to unlearn and relearn but simply starting and sticking to it has made a huge change in my life and I’m not going back. What has been helping has been a combination of things:

  • Acknowledging that the meanings of selfless and selfish have often been misrepresented and even used in a way that makes me devalue myself at times

  • Acknowledging that it was not modeled to me that women deserve to care for themselves and prioritize their needs - I have to change that

  • Not minimizing my needs and not making them less than my co-workers’, sister’s, or husband’s, etc

  • Building boundaries with others and with myself

  • Self-discipline

  • Recognizing where I have wasted time / procrastination in my schedule

  • Using my free time and work time wisely so I do have more time to spend on myself AND spend caring for my family, friends, and responsibilities

  • Acknowledging that there is value in the things I want for myself - from a body wash that I enjoy to a clothing item that fits my body well - whether others agree or not

  • Being honest with what activities that fill my time are truly caring for me (aka helping my feel fulfilled and more myself) vs. what are activities that I want to do because they’re fun / easy / seem productive but actually waste my time or sneaky procrastination (social media, online shopping, looking at houses on Zillow - you know what I’m taking about)

When prioritizing yourself is helping you to then show up better for your life or contributing to you having a day-to-day life more closely aligned with your values, it is not selfish. That is being better for yourself, which allows you to be better for your roles in life. For example, If 10 minutes for you to do what you want to do for you gives you a positive mindset and clarity for an entire afternoon - that’s worth it! You, like everyone else, deserve to have your needs met so stop believing you deserve anything less. 

Where to start

To start healthfully prioritizing yourself, I would encourage you to begin by identifying what basic things you need to feel good each day. Be *honest* because some of those things might be things that sound hard or you don’t want to do. Next, identify your bullet points - what barriers do you need to acknowledge in prioritizing yourself? Why does that feel so hard for you? Finally, create a plan to start prioritizing yourself in small (and eventually maybe big) and manageable ways throughout the day. Everything you ultimately want to do for yourself in a day might not be do-able right now and that’s ok! Start small and gradually add as your able. To create space for prioritizing yourself in your day, you might need to restructure some things such as: how you spend free time, when you wake up/go to bed, finances to allow a small allotment to just spend on something fun for you, boundaries with your loved ones (friends, kids, etc). or asking your partner to do a little more to support you.

xx Desa

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